I'm feeling really bad about myself right now.

I feel fat and ugly. I don't look ugly, and realistically I'm only a little overweight if at all, but I'm just feeling so depressed about my overall attractiveness these days. I want to be pretty so badly it hurts. I'm afraid that at 30 prettiness has passed me by.

I'm also mad that I seem to lack the motivation to make any positive changes. I need to see a psychologist, get my leg veins taken care of, get a haircut and facial, do more intense exercise, make more of a social effort, and call a whole lot of people...not necessarily in that order. None are desperately urgent, but all are important for my quality of life. But where is the energy, the motivation, the will to get these things done?

I wish to be someone else right now. Even though I'm actually usually a happy person. How much of that is denial? When am I going to develop some kind of romantic or sex life?

Why is my non-friend on birth control pills? For whatever pathetic reason I feel validated by the idea that she is not having sex either. But now it seems that she is more attractive, more successful, and skinnier than me, as well as having some love in her life. I'm jealous and sad for myself.

This is not a good moment to be me.

I need to count my blessings.

I am healthy, independent, living in a good place, smart, socially capable, friendly, professional, and alive. What more can a girl ask for?
I think I just shot past 12 to maybe 17 or so? I don't know. The biggest take-away revelation from the experience is that it was easy. It was easy for me, and automatic responses were right-on. It's not rocket science after all.
Is hard and time consuming. Especially when you have a house guest.

I'm stumbling along, and will have to finish it up this weekend. There is no way I'll get it done before that.

Today is "Right Standpoint." This is not wasting time worrying, not to hurry, but also not to be indolent. I think I did a fairly good job on this. We went to the chocolate factory today, and then did some work on the auction tepee. I was very proactive today.
...and I need to frame this for myself before she gets here.

First, this is good practice for when Mom and Dad come. It's going to be an exercise, particularly in letting go and not being attached to certain activities. Even more important, to not be disappointed if I don't get the reaction I wanted to something that I care about.

She's not going to be enthusiastic, or effusive, or open. She's going to bother me with her negativity, and I am not going to respond. I am going to keep positive, and bring all my patience to bear. This is going to test me.

On the other hand, this is an opportunity to spend some time with my sister, get to know her a little more. It's an opportunity to check my boundaries and learn a little about myself, as well. It's possible that I have it in my power to ensure that we both have a good time. I can at least make sure that I am not miserable myself. If we can just relax and enjoy the time together, everything will be fine. I think I can help set that tone. I will, in any event, do my best not to lose my temper.

On another topic, today is "right speech." I had a really great time with my class today, and spread lots of loving and encouraging words around. I wasn't aware that it was right speech day, to be honest, but some part of me must have known.

It was really fun to be back, I have to say. What a fantastic class I've got.
Right Opinion

Pay attention to ideas, think only significant thoughts. Essential from Non-Essential, truth from opinion. Inward stillness, withholding judgment, even of my own thoughts and feelings.
And sometimes I just can't let go of the weekend. I don't want to go to sleep because then it will be Monday morning and the race begins anew. I want it to be the weekend, which I don't feel like really happened this time.

I went out, though. I had fun. I met a new person who I may see again. I feel like the world is opening up a little whenever I put in the least little bit of effort. Good omens.

Good night.
Sometimes I want to create something and I can't seem to figure out what.

Is my life worth recording? Do I have anything to say that even I want to hear? I guess we're going to find out.

Status Report: I have everything I've ever wanted (except true love. Which I'm not sure I really want in the first place, let's be honest). But what I do have is a job I love, a city I love, a lot of independence, a nice house with a good window and lots of tea and every modern convenience you could ask for. I walk a lot. I'm not fat. I have cool hair and a few friends and no enemies to my name. I'm only sometimes still a coward.

I have a slightly tragic past and can gaze out my beautiful window, with the rain coming down, with exquisite melancholy. Not quite as fun as I'd imagined; wish someone was watching or could appreciate it other than me.

I need to pay some bills. I'm not paying them because I don't know how to offer an apology at the same time, which I realize is ridiculous but there it is.

I need to call some friends. What else is new. I hate talking to people on the phone, even when I love and value the people. I just hate the telephone, totally outdated idea. What good is the voice when the person is so far away and you can't see them? Except Mom, because there is no need to impress.

Online dating. I've got so far as to message some people. Too scared to view their replies. I'm lame and a coward but I'm so fucking scared and out of my league with this one. What the hell do I think I'm doing? Can I really take that leap? Yes, if I ever actually grow a pair. Need to get drunk and just jump.

Screwed up but still a pretty awesome person. Who wouldn't want to get to know me? Did I mention I'm artistic and kind? Twenty-three third graders love me, and they can't all be wrong, right? Right?



May 2011



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