Sometimes I want to create something and I can't seem to figure out what.

Is my life worth recording? Do I have anything to say that even I want to hear? I guess we're going to find out.

Status Report: I have everything I've ever wanted (except true love. Which I'm not sure I really want in the first place, let's be honest). But what I do have is a job I love, a city I love, a lot of independence, a nice house with a good window and lots of tea and every modern convenience you could ask for. I walk a lot. I'm not fat. I have cool hair and a few friends and no enemies to my name. I'm only sometimes still a coward.

I have a slightly tragic past and can gaze out my beautiful window, with the rain coming down, with exquisite melancholy. Not quite as fun as I'd imagined; wish someone was watching or could appreciate it other than me.

I need to pay some bills. I'm not paying them because I don't know how to offer an apology at the same time, which I realize is ridiculous but there it is.

I need to call some friends. What else is new. I hate talking to people on the phone, even when I love and value the people. I just hate the telephone, totally outdated idea. What good is the voice when the person is so far away and you can't see them? Except Mom, because there is no need to impress.

Online dating. I've got so far as to message some people. Too scared to view their replies. I'm lame and a coward but I'm so fucking scared and out of my league with this one. What the hell do I think I'm doing? Can I really take that leap? Yes, if I ever actually grow a pair. Need to get drunk and just jump.

Screwed up but still a pretty awesome person. Who wouldn't want to get to know me? Did I mention I'm artistic and kind? Twenty-three third graders love me, and they can't all be wrong, right? Right?



May 2011



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