I'm feeling really bad about myself right now.

I feel fat and ugly. I don't look ugly, and realistically I'm only a little overweight if at all, but I'm just feeling so depressed about my overall attractiveness these days. I want to be pretty so badly it hurts. I'm afraid that at 30 prettiness has passed me by.

I'm also mad that I seem to lack the motivation to make any positive changes. I need to see a psychologist, get my leg veins taken care of, get a haircut and facial, do more intense exercise, make more of a social effort, and call a whole lot of people...not necessarily in that order. None are desperately urgent, but all are important for my quality of life. But where is the energy, the motivation, the will to get these things done?

I wish to be someone else right now. Even though I'm actually usually a happy person. How much of that is denial? When am I going to develop some kind of romantic or sex life?

Why is my non-friend on birth control pills? For whatever pathetic reason I feel validated by the idea that she is not having sex either. But now it seems that she is more attractive, more successful, and skinnier than me, as well as having some love in her life. I'm jealous and sad for myself.

This is not a good moment to be me.

I need to count my blessings.

I am healthy, independent, living in a good place, smart, socially capable, friendly, professional, and alive. What more can a girl ask for?

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dreaminthedark

May 2011

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